


Run Gregory Run

by margaritaville_antifa



Category: The Cars (Band)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-25
Updated: 2018-12-25
Packaged: 2019-09-26 23:45:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17151281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/margaritaville_antifa/pseuds/margaritaville_antifa
Summary: Greg and Elliot save Christmas.





	Run Gregory Run

Greg and Elliot were nestled on the couch together, watching TV. It was the week before Christmas, and The Cars had already prepared for the big day. The tree was up, the stockings hung, the decorations littered the building. Yes, everything seemed like it was going to go smooth. But then, a news broadcast flashed on the screen. “BREAKING NEWS: SANTA CLAUS AND HIS REINDEER HAVE COME DOWN WITH SWINE FLU. SANTA CALLS IN SICK. CHRISTMAS IS CANCELED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE.”

“Oh no!” Greg exclaimed. “Elliot, this is terrible! All those kids have been looking forward to Christmas all year!”

“Yeah, that sucks.” Elliot took a sip from his can of beer. “Anyway… do you wanna smoke a doobie?”

“No time for that, Elliot! We have to save Christmas!” Greg said as he put on his coat and a scarf. “Let’s go!”

Greg and Elliot jumped into Elliot’s jaguar and drove all the way up to the North Pole. By the time they had got there, it was already Christmas Eve, so there wasn’t a moment to spare. They pulled up into the parking lot of Santa’s workshop, a giant, bright pink castle, wrapped in rainbow string lights.

“Whoa,” Elliot fixed his gaze at the castle, the lights reflecting off his dark sunglasses. “You think he’s compensating for something?”

“Oh, you get your mind out of the gutter!”

They walked up to the large wooden doors which opened before their eyes. There, standing in the entrance, was a tiny man, dressed in green, with large, pointy ears. “Hey you! What are you doing out there in the cold? Come inside!”

Greg and Elliot followed the little man down the hall to a chamber with a sign above the archway entrance labeled: VISITOR’S CENTER. There were two, red armchairs by a roaring fire. A table was between the chairs with a plate of cookies and two glasses of milk on top of it.

“Sit right here, the head elf will be with you shortly.” The man left and Greg and Elliot settled in.

“Oh, these chairs are very nice. We should get some- Elliot! Stop that!”

Elliot was flinging the cookies into the fire, making “pew-pew” noises. “What? These are stale as fuck anyways.”

Greg sighed and drank from his glass of milk. He heard the sound of jingle-bells along with footsteps. He looked over towards the doorway and saw an elf covered head to toe in silver bells. 

“Hello sirs!” The elf bellowed out. “I’m Sir Twinkletoes, the Head Elf of The Order of Christmas Elves! What brings you two outsiders here?”

“Well, Mr. Twinkletoes. We heard the news about Mr. Claus…”

“Ah yes… Santa and the reindeer got really sick as you might know. Their condition is stable but they won’t be well enough for the 25th. It’s tragic, really.”

“How did they get sick, anyway?” Elliot said.

“Well, Santa got really into the Anti-Vax movement, and it spread to the deer as well. We tried to warn them but to no avail…”

“That’s terrible!” Greg jumped up from his chair. “Me and my friend came up to see if we could help.”

“Hm… Well, I’ll have to take you to the big man himself. You got your vaccinations this year, right?”

Greg and Elliot nodded yes. “Ok good. Follow me.”

Sir Twinkletoes led the two men up a tower to Santa’s chambers. He knocked on the door. “Come *COUGH* in…”

“Sir, these two outsiders have come all the way from a village by the name of Boston, Massachusetts. They want to help save Christmas.”

“Oh? Let me speak to them.”

Greg stepped in with Elliot trailing behind him. Santa was in bed, surrounded by crumpled tissues. He looked very sickly indeed, snot running out of his nose all over his whiskers and beard.

“Mr. Claus?” Greg said. “My name’s Greg. Greg Hawkes. And this is my friend, Elliot Easton. We wanted to talk to you about Christmas.”

“Ah, yes… Christmas… We had to cancel due to this confounded sickness…”

“Yes, that’s why we wanted to help!”

“Hmm… Well, there is something we can do… usually as a last resort…” He pointed up towards a shelf with several bags on top of it. “Twinkletoes, can you get the… Fairy Dust and take our friends outside. You know what to do…”

“Yes sir…”

 

Outside, in the parking lot by the Jaguar, Twinkletoes set the bags down on the asphalt. He turned to face our two young heroes. “Alright men. I am going to douse you and your vehicle with Fairy Dust now. You’ll experience certain… changes… But I assure it’s a painless process.”

“Wait, what kind of changes?” Elliot said.

“How about I just show you?” Twinkletoes opened the bags and Elliot and Greg soon felt as if they were in the middle of the Dust Bowl except more colorful and sparkly.

“Christ, I can’t fuckin’ see!” Elliot pulled up his shirt to cover his mouth, so he wouldn’t inhale the substance. The wind blew harder, the dust settled on his clothes and his skin until he was completely covered, making a crust around his body. That’s when Elliot realized he couldn’t move and panic began to set in.

“Do not be alarmed, human… This is quite painless. I promise…”

The crust broke off and Elliot was free, same as he ever was except his black leather jacket had turned to red and sprouted a white fur trim. On his head, the signature red stocking hat. “Holy shit, I’m like a sexy Santa!” He said, admiring himself in a mirror held up by Twinkletoes. “Hey Greg, check me ou-GREG?”

Greg had gone through his own transformation but it was quite a bit more serious than Elliot’s. The antlers, the hooves… Greg was now a tiny reindeer. “Elliot, I feel weird… What happened to me?”

“Greg, you’re a fucking deer.”

“Oh,” Greg said, looking down at his hoof. His glasses slid off his muzzle. “This is going to be a bit problematic, I think.”

“Nah, I have an idea.” Twinkletoes pulled out a roll of duct tape and taped the glasses to Greg’s face.

“Yay, I can see. Hey, Mr. Elf? These aren’t permanent changes, are they? I can’t really play keyboards without fingers.”

“Of course they’re not. You and your vehicle will go back to normal once day breaks. Speaking of your vehicle, take a look at THIS!”

Elliot and Greg’s jaws dropped. The Jaguar had been transformed into a sleek, black sleigh.

“Beautiful, ain’t she?” Twinkletoes said. “I’m gonna get you boys ready now. The sun’s setting soon so we gotta get this show on the road.”

“Wait, how do I fly this thing?”

“It’ll come naturally to you, don’t worry about it.” Twinkletoes pulled out a walkie-talkie and spoke into it. “Hello? Jingle? Can you and Jangle bring out The Sack to the south-end parking lot. Christmas ain’t canceled after all…”

Sure enough, two elves operating a crane with a sack of toys in it’s claws came out. “Alright, now put the sack in that sleigh over there. Easy does it now… OK, there we go.”

Elliot got into the front seat of the sleigh, which was surprisingly comfortable. Twinkletoes handed him some goggles. “You’ll need ‘em. Don’t want snow in your eyes. And as for you, my deer friend… JINGLE! JANGLE! The harness please.”

Greg was put into a red harness with silver bells hanging off the straps by the two elves, who then fastened him to the sleigh. Twinkletoes walked in front of him and looked him in the eye. “Okay, listen up Greg Hawkings.”

“Hawkes.”

“Whatever. Listen. There’s gonna be a bit of a storm tonight which will make navigation difficult. But you have a secret weapon: your nose.”

“My nose?” Greg’s nose suddenly started to glow a neon pink color. “Oh goodness…”

“That’ll help you see. Other than that, it should be smooth sailing. And as for our replacement Santa…” The elf handed Elliot a long piece of parchment paper. “That’s the list. Try to make an effort to get the right toy to the right kid, but also don’t stress out too much if you make a mistake. Most of the time kids are just happy if they get ANYTHING.”

“Uh, okay…”

“Sir!” Jangle said. “Night has fallen. We must get them in the air, now!”

“Okay, set up the ramp, boys!”

The ramp was huge and pointed straight to the sky. Greg looked up the entire length of it and gulped. How the hell was he gonna fly?

“Alright, off ya go,” Twinkletoes said before hitting the back of the sleigh with a malle, sending it up and over the ramp like a puck in a high striker tower. They both screamed. Elliot felt like he was on a upside-down roller coaster. And then, just as it seemed they would fall down to the ground, they were held aloft by the Christmas Magic in the air.

“Elliot, I’m scared!”

Elliot looked around, excited as a child on Christmas morning. “What are you talking about, this is great! Let’s go!”

The sleigh flew through the air, faster than any jet plane you can imagine. Elliot felt the strong breeze run through his rock-and-roll hair. This was way better than driver, he thought. Greg was… less than thrilled. He kept whispering to himself, “don’t look down, don’t look down…”

“Run, Greg, Run!” Elliot cracked a whip. “We gotta make it to town!”

“OUCH! Where did you get that?”

“I don’t know, I just found it on the seat. Now, c’mon!”

Santa Easton and Gregory the pink-nosed reindeer delivered an electric guitar to a boy child and whizzed away like a shooting star to the house of a girl child, to deliver a baby doll that could cry, sleep, drink, and wet. Then off they went, like a Saber Jet, to another house. And another. And another.

Elliot fell down yet another chimney, saw yet another tree covered in flashing lights, and yet another plate of cookies with a glass of milk. 

“Shit, I’m getting tired of these fucking cookies,” Elliot said. “They gotta have something else in here…” He went into the kitchen, and opened the door of the fridge. Sure enough, there was a six-pack of beer in there. 

“Hell yeah, that’s what I’m talking about.”

Meanwhile, Greg was on the roof, looking around nervously. After all, it shouldn’t take THAT long to put presents under a tree. His ears twitched from a burp and a hiccup that sounded behind him. He turned around and saw Elliot stumble out of the chimney. 

“Hey… Gr-ehg… heh, heh, heh…” Elliot drunkenly clambered into the sleigh.

“Uh, are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah… Let’s gooo…”

The sleigh flew faster, faster than the speed of sound. It was swaying from side to side and Greg was losing control. “ELLIOT! STOP!”

“Wooooooo hoooo! This is the best Christmas ever!” Elliot turned the radio up louder, blasting “My Sharona” by The Knacks. 

“ELLIOT, I’M GONNA FALL!”

Greg and, summarily, the sleigh crashed into a tree. And to make matters worse, the bag of presents fell out and into a nearby river, sweeping them away.

“No! Now Christmas is ruined after all. Nice going, Elliot…” Greg felt a bit bad for being stern with his friend so he quickly apologized. “I’m sorry, Elliot.”

“Nah, it’s my fault,” Elliot said, looking somber. “I acted like a jackass and I ruined Christmas.”

“What should we do now?”

“Hmm.” Elliot rubbed his chin trying to think of any possible solution. “Wait! I know!”

 

At one dark and empty shopping mall, all was quiet and serene. Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse or the security guard who had dozed off to sleep at his post, lulled by the gentle sounds of the indoor fountain.

The silence was broken when Greg and the sleigh busted through the glass door entrance. The noise woke up the guard but he was put back to sleep from a quick kick to the face from Greg’s powerful deer legs. Using the mall directory, they were able to locate the toy store. With another kick, the window was shattered and Elliot was able to get inside and rob the store clean. He had to do it fast, because an alarm was ringing throughout the mall by now.

With the sleigh full again, they left the scene and zoomed through the food court and out through yet another glass plane. “Let’s go, let’s go! The cops are coming!” Elliot shouted.

They flew into the midnight air and continued their journey to spread the Christmas Spirit and Cheer to all the good little kids. And the bad ones too, I guess.

They got to the final house, an address in Boston that was home to a boy named Jimmy and a girl named Sue. Elliot put a scooter and a talking barbie-doll under the tree and came back up on the rooftop. “Well, that’s it! Now what?”

“I guess we can go home now. That elf said we’ll be back to normal by morning.”

There was one problem. The sleigh ran out of magic gas.

“SHIT! That trip to the mall probably cost us some fuel,” Elliot said. “Guess we’re gonna have to do this the hard way.”

And so, Greg and Elliot began pushing the sleigh manually down the street. It was very slow and laborious and Elliot wanted to pick up the pace. He was so tired and his head was pounding. “I have an idea.” He picked out a skateboard from the bottom of the sleigh and placed it on the ground before him, hopping on it and riding it alongside the sleigh. 

Greg noticed the sleigh getting dangerously faster and hopped away. “Elliot, what are you doing?”

“Don’t worry about it.”

Then Elliot noticed a curve coming up ahead. “Oh shit, this is actually very dangerous. Oh shit, OH SHIT! OH FUCK! OH MY FUCKING GOD!”

“ELLIOT!” Greg screamed. He dashed towards the runaway sleigh and grabbed onto, trying to pull it back or stop it or something. But Greg was a useless twink in this situation, so it was to no avail.

The sleigh ran off the road, flipped forwards, and rolled down the snowy hill, turning into a giant snowball with Elliot and Greg trapped inside.

At the bottom of the hill, Donald Fagen and Walter Becker were passed out on the couch, entwined in each other’s arms after a night of hard partying. Don was roused from a deep, rumbling noise that only seemed to get louder and louder.

“Hey Walt.”

“What…?”

“You hear that?”

“Hear wh- Oh… It’s probably just a storm outside.”

“Can you go check.”

“Fine…” Walter reluctantly moved off the couch and opened the curtains, slightly, to see what it was. He saw a giant snowball heading straight for him.

“So, what is it?”

“Nothing… Nothing at all, I just think I need to… cut back on the drugs a bit…” 

The rumbling got even louder and the house started shaking. Before any of them could do anything, the snowball crashed into their house and demolished it. 

Elliot and Greg popped out of mound of snow, gasping for air. “HOLY SHIT! GREG, DID YOU JUST SEE THAT!”

“I was literally in the snowball with you.”

“Holy fuckin’ shit, Greg.” Elliot looked around. “My Busch Lite is gone! Oh fuck! Holy shit!”

Greg dug through the snow, only to find that the sleigh had been completely totaled. “Elliot, I have bad news about your car.”

“Aw well, that car is screwed. Damn… That was dumb. That was the dumbest shit I’ve ever done.”

“Yeah, you think? At least our house isn’t far from here. We can just walk home.”

As they reached the front yard of their abode, the first rays of the sun hit upon the earth and Elliot’s clothes changed back to black, the stocking cap poofed away. And Greg turned back to human.

“GREG, YOUR CLOTHES!”

Greg looked down at his small frame, completely nude except for his glasses and the harness hanging off his shoulders. “Oh goodness, this is so embarrassing…” 

Elliot watched his friend race inside as fast as his little legs could take him. His face went beet red. He didn’t want to admit it but Greg was… kinda cute… He’d have to act on it later though, his head was killing him and he wanted to get into a nice, comfy bed as soon as possible.

 

Ben, Ric, and David all sat down to a nice Christmas Breakfast consisting of pancakes topped with maple syrup and powdered sugar. At first they tried to ignore the elephant in the room, the two empty seats, but as the morning went on, they began to wonder.

“Where's those two nerds at, Ric?” David asked.

“I don’t fuckin’ know, I’m not their keeper.”

“I’ll go wake them up,” Ben said. He peeked down the hallway and saw a very disheveled Greg and Elliot dragging their feet over the carpet. 

“Merry Christmas. You two look like you had fun tonight…” Ben smirked.

“Not… exactly,” Greg said. 

“GUYS! C’MERE, THEY’RE ARRESTING SANTA CLAUS!” David's voice called from the living room.

“They’re WHAT?” Elliot and Greg said in unison. They gathered around the television and sure enough, a confused Santa was being led out of his castle, flanked by police officers.

“Last night, the man famous for bringing happiness to millions of children is now being arrested on charges of burglary and assault. Santa proclaims his innocence but video footage shows otherwise.”

Elliot and Greg felt their palms get sweaty when video camera footage of them breaking into the mall was played. “Wow,” Ric said. “Never knew Santa had this side to him.”

“Yeah… heh heh…” Elliot rubbed the back of his neck with his hand.

The reporter continued: “The Council of Elves has already impeached this Santa and is now in process of picking out a new one to be the successor. Let’s listen in…”

An elf speaker at a podium made of candy canes appeared on-screen. “Ahem. We of the Council of Elves have decided that the elf to take on the role of Father Christmas, also known as Kris Kringle, also known as Santa Claus, will be… drumroll please… TWINKLETOES!”

Twinkletoes stepped up the podium, tears in his eyes. “Oh thank you, thank you all so much. I never would’ve gotten here if it wasn’t for my friends. And The Cars. I love The Cars, their music has… been an inspiration to me since they started out.”

“Nice, we got a shout-out,” David said. “This’ll be good for record sales, don’t cha think, Greg? Greg?”

“Uh, yeah, sure.”

“Are you and Elliot okay. You guys look kind of sick…”

“Yes! That’s exactly it! Now if you’ll excuse us, me and Elliot are going back to sleep!” 

David, Ben, and Ric watched their two younger bandmates quickly leave the room and back into the bedroom. It was weird behavior, sure, but in the end they decided not to press it further. They probably just went to a wild Christmas party anyways…

The End.


End file.
